There can be few more damning indictments of Keir Starmer’s utter failure to “stop the boats” than criminals sharing videos of just how easy it is to get into Britain. Like an admittedly slightly feistier version of those adverts for Rhine cruises daytime TV seems flooded with, TikTok has been hosting footage of criminals showing the best way to smuggle yourself into a lorry bound for the new Eden that is Great Britain. The sheer front of it. They are laughing in Starmer’s face, and by extension, laughing in your face.

FYI, if you fancy it, the best way apparently is to hide behind a bush or similar close to a junction or roundabout then run like Usain Bolt to clamber on to the lorry, just behind the cab. There are risks of course and apparently two people have died this year – but the prize, free money, free homes, and free girls, which these men have undoubtedly been promised rather seem to mitigate against them.

Each of the advisory TikTok videos features a fabulously fit looking bloke, arguably quicker out of the blocks than the aforementioned Mr Bolt.

Now, how the poor old grandmas, which hand-wringing leftist apologists for this army of criminal young men tell us are part of this uninvited and unwanted diaspora, cope with matching the speed of a moving lorry is sadly undocumented.

But that’s because there are no grandmas are there? It’s just men isn’t it?

Military age men. And we have no idea, absolutely none, if they are fleeing war or indeed they were the perpetrators of it.

But, as these immensely fit and well-kitted out men had the wherewithal to somehow get from a Somali hell hole (or similar) to the Channel Tunnel, my money would be on the latter.

And this is why most sane Brits worry just a tad about Mr Starmer’s rabbit-in-headlights inability to stop the criminal gangs.

We simply don’t know who or what these men are – and with the estimated number of illegals arriving since 2015 around the one million mark, the benefit of the doubt approach is no longer appropriate.

It never was.

We learned a few days ago that apparently 80 migrants have been returned to France so far under Starmer’s Hokey-Cokey one-in-one-out plan. As if that were anything other than abject failure.

Just 999,920 to go then Keir.

Indeed the number of migrants reaching the UK in small boats in 2025 climbed to its second-highest level since records began, according to the Government’s own figures. I suppose we can all show Prime Minister Wes Streeting what we think of that in the local elections in May.

Because if ever there was a dead man walking…

Oh and if all the above wasn’t enough to grind every single one of your remaining gears we are told migrants subjected to the one-in-one out policy are calling on the UN to intervene claiming they have suffered “fear, humiliation and psychological distress” at the hands of the Home Office since arriving in the UK in small boats.

Tremendous grasp of UK and international law these migrants have don’t you think? (Who knew that legal phrase “psychological distress” featured so prominently in Somali/English phrasebooks).

Perhaps we should put them all to work in our judicial system immediately to help clear the backlog of cases.

As a new year starts it is blindingly obvious Starmer and his cronies have done nothing to stem the tide of illegals. He’s a technocrat lawyer and will never ever take the tough decisions necessary to stop this criminality. Instead he will hide behind the law instead of changing it so it is fit for purpose.

Sunak, let us not forget, was just as useless, and it probably was the main reason the Tories have been cast out into the wilderness.

So, that’s our two main parties throwing in the towel.

It’s impossible they tell us.

I think it may be instructive to bring one Donald Trump into the debate.

Could you ever see Trump throwing up his hands in horror, clutching his pearls and declaring it impossible?

Or could you see him packing the Channel with gunboats and setting up armed checkpoints at the Channel Tunnel?

Quite.

Trump’s mate Farage? I think we might get to see sooner rather than later.

Meanwhile this very day a dinghy full of illegals was given a French escort to the middle of the Channel at which point one of our ever-so-obliging Border Force boats took over and welcomed them the rest of the way.

It really is the migrant equivalent of a luxury Rhine cruise.