Is Keir Starmer the most embarrassing leader in British history? I had to go back a thousand years to find somebody even less equipped to stand up for his own country. That man was Æthelred the Unready, King of England from AD978 to 1016. Too scared to fight the Vikings, he tried buying them off instead. They simply came back for more. Sound familiar? There’s a similar logic behind the Chagos Islands fiasco.

Æthelred has gone down in history as a by-name for uselessness and incompetence. Now Britain has a worthy successor. Let’s call him Starmer the Non-starter. Although that’s quite polite compared to what others are calling him. Donald Trump has dismissed him as a “loser”. Kemi Badenoch has blasted his dithering. Nigel Farage calls him humiliating.

From day one, Starmer has struggled to stand up for his own country. Today, he prostrates himself before international law that nobody else follows. Iran certainly isn’t bound by any rules. The regime spreads terror through proxy armies across the Middle East while slaughtering its own people.

Yet even when missiles are fired at British military bases, Starmer still can’t bring himself to act. Instead, we’re relying on the French, Spanish, Dutch and Greek navies to defend our interests.

If the PM’s press conference yesterday was meant to stiffen morale, he chose a strange way to do it. The Prime Minister spent much of the time talking about people being “worried sick”, while looking pasty-faced with fear himself.

He then declared: “We will do everything we can to protect British lives, uphold British values and safeguard the national interest.” He might have added: “If Ed Miliband doesn’t mind.”

Translated, Æthelred the Unready actually means “badly advised”. If Starmer is letting Ed Miliband decide our war strategy, as seems to be the case, then he’s taking the worst advice in the world.

But finally, Starmer has decided stand up for Britain. As Iran attacks our military facilities in Cyprus and Bahrain, the British government has responded… by issuing a press release.

Middle East minister Hamish Falconer was dispatched to deliver the terrifying blow. His message to Tehran read: “Iran’s reckless actions are threatening the security of the region and the safety of British nationals and must stop.”

And that’s it. Iran “must stop”. Or what, exactly? It may be the most feeble, pleading and embarrassing press release I’ve ever read.

Britain hasn’t expelled Iran’s ambassador. It still refuses to proscribe the brutal Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps as a terrorist organisation. But it will issue a strongly worded statement. With British servicemen and women under attack, that apparently counts as action. Talk about a paper tiger.

I’m no fan of Trump. I’m not asking Britain to blitz Iran. Just defend our bases. Starmer is making Britain look weak to our friends as well as enemies. Middle East allies like Bahrain, Jordan and the United Arab Emirates are furious at Sir Keir’s weak-kneed response.

Starmer insists he’s providing “calm, level-headed leadership”. A man who’s running scared of Ed Miliband is no leader. Little wonder the world’s laughing at him, and us.