If you’re eating please don’t read any further. But everyone else imagine, if you will, a pouting, low-lit Sir Keir Starmer, cheeks sucked in, coyly staring down the camera lens asking you to be his friend (I did warn you…). No, I haven’t gone all Epstein on you, I’ve just come to the conclusion the Rt Hon member for Holborn and St Pancras doesn’t really want to be a Prime Minister, he wants to be a social media influencer (think of the freebies Keir!).

What else could explain today’s announcement that Labour’s latest hammer blow against the evil people-trafficking gangs unloading illegal migrants on our shores by the boatload is… wait for it… a TikTok account. A million illegals since 2016, the provenance of whom we haven’t the first clue.

And Labour’s secret weapon is a social media platform famous for beauty routines and lifestyle tips.

God help us.

Shadow Home Secretary Chris Philp called it “a pathetic gimmick” and Reform deputy leader Richard Tice called it “laughable”.

Masterly understatement from both if you ask me.

It is beyond parody, beyond contempt and superbly sums up this woeful, woeful Government – useless, spineless, pointless.

We have always had the ability to turn the boats around – you just face the “small boats” down with a bigger boat and you accept that the hand-wringing bleating of the Lefty Islington dinner-party classes is a price worth paying.

You also acknowledge that “international law” isn’t really a law at all, more of a gentleman’s agreement.

So you ignore it and do what needs to be done.

Mr Trump is currently showing us just how successive governments have all hidden behind technocratic “rules” as an alternative to taking action and actually doing something about any given political situation.

Like illegal immigration.

Of course we are currently being told net migration is significantly down right now, to just over 200,000.

Which sounds wonderful and let’s take the wins where we can – but it’s that word “net” isn’t it? It’s a real politician’s word, a snidey, mendacious word.

Be under no illusion, in the year to June 2025 we had 900,000 arrivals.

It’s just that the figure was mitigated by 600,000 people leaving Britain. A huge chunk of this by the way is Poles who have twigged their quality of life is better back home.

As I write this Starmer is meeting the Polish President Karol Nawrocki in Downing Street.

As the Polish economy is growing faster than almost anywhere else in Europe, projecting a strength and confidence Starmer’s Britain can only dream of, we can only hope Starmer asks for a few tips on how to run a successful country.

Crucially, defence spending in Poland is set to reach nearly five percent of GDP – among the highest in NATO – stick that in your pipe and smoke it Mr Putin.

Now, as we are talking about Poland’s soaring economy, it may or may not be apposite to note that in 2024 Warsaw brought in a range of proper “get tough” policies aimed at tackling illegal immigration.

These included the right to suspend asylum laws.

Interestingly these laws were brought in by Polish PM Donald Tusk who, you may remember was previously a fierce campaigner for the wretched Schengen Agreement’s unchecked freedom of movement while he was President of the European Council.

Funny old world innit?

At least he had the smarts to realise the first rule of politics – if a law isn’t working for the good of the people in whose name it was drawn-up, it’s time to change it.

Trump knows it, Farage knows it… let’s be honest, we all know it.

Is it too much to hope that one Keir Rodney Starmer might figure it out?

‘Course it is.

He’s a busted flush, indeed if you listen very carefully you might just hear the clock ticking down to Keir’s demise… tik tok tik tok tik tok.